So, I'm not going to be so bold as to presume that I have a clue about how marriage works in the practical world. In fact, at the time of this writing (March 2014) I've never even had what I can call a "successful christian dating relationship." I could easily write a pamphlet called 7 Ways to Fail at Having a God-Centered Relationship. So instead of presuming that I have "advice," I'm going to simply share what God put on my heart yesterday morning. He wrecked me, actually, but I won't go into all the detail. Also, I tend to be very long-winded, so ....SORRY.
[the following paragraph is kind of a "disclaimer" and is unnecessary for my main point, so men, feel free to skip over]
I'm obviously not married. I'm coming at all this from the perspective of a 26-year old single guy, hoping to one day be a boyfriend and then a husband in a God-centered relationship where my significant other can actually look up to me, respect me, and trust my "leadership." Just to clarify my thoughts on the roles of husbands and wives, I DO believe that the husband fully submits to God and to his wife, while the wife fully submits to God and to her husband. The husband is called to completely die to himself for his wife. And likewise, the wife is called to lay down her life in support of her husband. Okay so far? Great. I do, however, believe that men have been given the responsibility to be a leader in their home and family and that, in the end, they will be held more accountable for the spiritual well-being of their family than women. I also believe that if a marriage is sinking, the hope of restoration usually ultimately lies in the hands of the man. Sorry girls... I just know the stubbornness of men and how we like to think we're the one with the bright ideas, making us resistant to leadership from a woman. It's not your fault.
Okay so here it goes. And again, this is "baby stuff" that a single guy came up with, so I apologize if you spend your time reading this and walk away with nothing profound.
Yesterday I read three unrelated passages, (Hebrews 13, Psalm 126-130, and Proverbs 26), and all three contained something significant for where I am. The Hebrews passage was simply God reminding me of the gravity of my sin (lust), the cause behind it (covetousness), and the solution (contentedness in Him and reliance on Him). But the big ones in Proverbs and Psalms are:
Proverbs 26:12
Do you see a man wise in his own eyes?
There is more hope for a fool than for him.
Psalms 127:1
Unless the Lord builds the house,They labor in vain who build it;
First: to be wise in your own eyes is to destroy whatever wisdom you've worked to obtain. Proverbs goes on and on and ON about fools and how bad they are. Then nestled in chapter 26 is this little statement about someone who is wise in his own eyes being worse off than a fool. The definition that this book of the Bible gives of a wise man is someone who never believes he is actually wise, but rather continually seeks council and maintains his humility.
Second: Read that one from Psalms again. If I embark on this journey of becoming a "spiritual leader" with the intent of striving to get to a certain point ("If I can just memorize enough scripture... If I can just pray more... If I can just be stronger in my theology... If I can just give more of my finances... If I can just be more supportive... If I can just have a stronger personality...") guess what -- I'll fail. At best, I'll succeed in building myself up, but merely on a foundation of sand and low self-esteem.
Here's the solution: BROKENNESS. I've spoken about brokenness in a recent blog post, so feel free to go read it. If I, Ben, want to be a spiritual leader, I must continue to strive for one thing, and that is brokenness: less and less reliance on myself and more and more dependency. It seems completely counter-intuitive. But guess what -- the Christian life is counter-intuitive.
When I finally begin to admit that there is no good in me, that I am nothing, and that only God can continue to save me from myself every day, THEN I'm making progress. Because I'm not actually making progress -- He is.
A little side-note: outsiders often might see Christians as self-deprecating with all this "no confidence in the flesh" stuff. We're not called to be self-deprecating, because that means you're STILL thinking about yourself! (Thanks Joel). We're to be self-crucifying, basically. That means there's no "self" to deprecate anymore. Your life is now Christ, it is not you.
The charge of being a leader in something that everyone sucks at is daunting. But that is why it's completely liberating and effective to know that spiritual strength is derived from spiritual brokenness and submission. This means that you don't have to worry about memorizing more scripture, being a more loving person, etc... It just means realizing how much more you need Christ every day. Christian life and relationship no longer becomes a contest of "who has the wisdom/strength to be the leader," but rather "who has come to the end of themselves" and "who is more hopeless without Him."
To conclude, I'll just paste what I actually wrote down yesterday while I felt God was hitting me over the head with all these things.
Yesterday, in Release of the Spirit, it was the reminder that there is so much selfishness behind my actions, even some of the actions that I think are selfless. So my prayer needs to be that God would shine His light and truly expose me -- every part of me. That my soul would be laid bare before Him so that He can actually work on me. I can't expose my own sin -- God does that.
And to go along with that last sentence, something I read today in Psalms 127:1
"Unless The Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it."
A big reminder that I cannot do my own "spiritual improvement." I cannot build this house of spiritual strength and rootedness in God. I want to so badly. I want to be the man I'm called to be. I want to be a strong fortress -- someone that a godly woman could trust. But to do it myself, by my own strength, through faith in myself, I am simply building myself up on a foundation of sand. The biggest thing lacking in my life right now is prayer, followed by regular reading of the Bible. I think that by doing those things, with the humility to receive whatever it is that God has for me --- which may be lots of tearing down before it's any "building up" -- then MAYBE He'll actually change me.
Only God exposes sin, only God gives strength, and only God causes growth. In light of that, what should be my response? A surrendering, "go-with-the-flow" attitude? Maybe. Can I focus on the tearing down and building up that God wants to do, while simultaneously hoping to become a "spiritual leader?" (that term has come to leave a bad taste in my mouth). Or should I surrender to Him the idea of being a spiritual leader altogether. Should my focus be a surrender to His tearing down of myself, my spirit, my soul, my heart, my passions, and my desires. Maybe the true quality of a spiritual leader (again...bad taste in my mouth) is someone who has not been built up, but rather someone who has been torn down and completely broken. Maybe it's easier than I think. Maybe instead of trying to reach for and attain this point of status and achievement, I should be reaching for brokenness. Brokenness.....only out of death can life come. If I skip this step, then any spiritual construction is still being built on this false idea of "I can be good. I can be what she needs. I can be wise and strong in The Lord...." That idea (that I CAN be wise/strong in the Lord) contains some truth, but must be rooted in the correct truth: that being wise and strong in the The Lord is to only be reliant on Him and His word for strength and wisdom.
